I love a good headline, don’t get me wrong. But it seems like every time I scroll through my Facebook News Feed, I see another article about all the things I’m accidentally doing that are harbingers of doom. So I read them, because I can’t help but wonder, “Is it peas?”
If you don’t get that reference, please watch this video. You’re welcome.
Anyway, the trouble is, all this fear-mongering only begins to scratch the surface of what the real dangers are, so because I care about your well being, I thought I should take this opportunity to warn you.
1. Going Outside
Have you done any research regarding all the pollutants in the air? You might as well make out with your car’s exhaust pipe. Don’t go outside, because you will get a pollution disease and die.
2. Staying Inside
As bad as the air is outside, however, it’s just worse inside. Even if you spend thousands of dollars on a state of the art air filtering system, it’s not enough to protect you from the toxic air you’re breathing at all times.
Holding your breath is your only protection… That is, until you die from oxygen deficiency.
3. Eating Food
Obesity kills, but if you’ve ever read a magazine, you’ve probably heard that watching your weight isn’t enough to protect you from the evil food corporations who are conspiring to kill us all. Pesticides, genetic modification, artificial ingredients, gluten, sugar, cholesterol, dairy, salt, meat, processed anything, aluminum cans, plastic packaging… All deadly.
Best to avoid food altogether.
4. Not Eating Food
Of course, if you stop eating, you’ll look super hot for a bit… Until you starve and die.
5. Not Talking to Your Spouse
You have to communicate or your marriage will crumble into nothingness.
6. Talking to Your Spouse
But don’t say the wrong thing, and don’t say too much, or they’ll resent that you opened your mouth at all.
7. Talking With Your Spouse About Money
Don’t talk about money, it’s a sensitive subject and you’ll probably make them feel so bad they divorce you.
8. Not Talking With Your Spouse About Money
If you don’t talk about stuff before you buy it, you will most likely fly off the handle and buy an elephant because individuals can’t be trusted to make sound financial decisions on their own.
Your elephant, while awesome, will do nothing to save your crumbling marriage. Instead it will poop in your living room, and you’ll probably get an elephant poop disease and die.
9. Vaccinating Your Kids
Don’t vaccinate because evil vaccine corporations are conspiring to kill your children. Avoid all information to the contrary.
10. Not Vaccinating Your Kids
… Except you have to vaccinate them, because if you don’t, not only will they get rabies and attack their classmates like savage wolves, but everyone will judge you and hate you forever.
11. Being a Stay at Home Mom
Get a job, you lazy sack of sweatpants. Your children are judging you and will hate you forever if you don’t. Plus, all that time in your pollution-ridden home will give you pollution disease and you’ll be so stressed and exhausted, you’ll probably die.
12. Being a Working Mom
Your children are withering away from your neglect, you selfish workaholic you. How dare you put them in day care. Don’t you know they feed them FOOD there? (see #3).
13. Spanking Your Kids
Child abuse much? You know your kids are going to be scarred for life, don’t you?
14. Not Spanking Your Kids
Those spoiled, entitled little brats get away with murder while you sit idly by and do nothing. How will they ever function in society if they don’t learn consequences?
15. Letting Your Kids Watch TV
Everybody knows that TV turns people into axe murderers. That’s why the vast majority of the population is in jail for axe murdering. Save your children and slice your TV in half with an axe (because statistically speaking, it’s likely that you have one… You know, for said murdering).
16. Not Letting Your Kids Watch TV
But then, if your kids don’t watch TV then they’ll be socially ostracized because let’s face it, if you don’t know pop culture references these days you might as well have some scary kind of contagious skin rash because people will generally want to avoid you. We don’t think things are funny unless they were already funny on TV, ergo your kids will not be perceived as funny and instead just be socially awkward, ergo they will never find love or get jobs, ergo you will feel like a complete failure as a parent, which we’ve already established that you probably are.
17. Being Immodest
While we’re discussing one of the great lessons that society has taught us, if you’re female, let’s not forget that you need to be covered from head to toe and look as unattractive as possible at all times if you want to avoid destruction and general ruin. We must not force others to be tempted by our hotness, as difficult as that may be because we are JUST. SO. FOXY.
But it’s really all for the best, because if your skin is in the sun at all you’ll probably get skin cancer and die. So let’s all put on our spooky ghost costumes and play it safe, shall we?
18. Caring Too Much About Modesty
That said, don’t you dare try to speak out on social media about modesty, if that’s what you’re into. Everyone will hate you because they’ll think you’re judging them, which of course you probably are, you meanie. You’ll be called antifeminist and get fired from your job and lose all your friends and your marriage will fall apart too, for some reason. So just chill.
19. Reading Articles Like This
Stop neglecting your family, wasting your life away reading meaningless crap! Don’t you see that there are human beings right in front of you? They need you! Pay attention to them at all times or they will hate you forever. In fact, throw all electronic devices in a lake immediately, because they are destroying your happiness.
20. Not Reading Articles Like This
But then, of course, if you don’t read articles like this one, how will you ever know how to live? Don’t you know that human instinct, intuition and integrity are outdated and whimsical notions, never to be trusted? Without blog posts to inform us, we would inevitably be divorced, childless and dead.
21. Being Alive
The most dangerous thing of all is to be alive. It’s the only thing I know that has a 100% chance of death. I don’t know about you, but those don’t sound like great odds. You might get cancer from the evil chemicals in your laundry detergent, get parasites from your farm-raised, organic, caviar-fed chicken, or get hit by a bicyclist while you stand on the edge of the Grand Canyon posing for a selfie. It could happen at any time. All we know is that it’s coming. This life stuff is pretty dangerous. Best to avoid being born in the first place.
P.S. If you liked this, please share it– warn your neighbor!